Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
