i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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