FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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