you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
