Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
