i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I accidentally had phone sex last night
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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