I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
