Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
My cat gives me a boner
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
