When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
