i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
