I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
