I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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