wat bout pragnant strippers??
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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