he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
