The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
