When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
