I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
