i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
