ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
