I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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