if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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