It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
