She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
