this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Randomize
