masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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