Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Randomize
