I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
