mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
