so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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