Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Randomize
