PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
