there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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