franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
