i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
