Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
