I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
i now understand why vodka
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
