Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
