i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
