Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
