I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
