Got a toothbrush?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
