He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
