Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
