Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
