My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
