Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
