The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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