I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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