i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
