I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
