Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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